


All the Lives I've Lead

by RoseFrederick



Series: Internal Excerpts [2]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Coping, Episode: s02e13 Doomsday, Gen, Implied Relationships, Internal Monologue, Light Angst, Unbalanced Relationship Expectations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-16
Updated: 2013-06-16
Packaged: 2017-12-15 03:06:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/844584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseFrederick/pseuds/RoseFrederick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn't like losing people and he never would.  Yet what else could he have possibly expected when he started befriending humans?  Oneshot character thought exploration taking place at the end of <em>Doomsday</em>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All the Lives I've Lead

The silly, sentimental part of him swore he could actually feel Rose Tyler on the other side of the Void, touching the same featureless white wall in another universe. He allowed himself to indulge the feeling for a moment. However, it was only for a moment. Rose was special, but all his companions were special. He had known from the very start when he'd kidnapped a couple of nosy schoolteachers that it was a bad idea to get attached to humans, but it hadn't done a thing to stop him. 

A Timelord could live practically forever, but no human ever would – or at least, none had ever been meant to. Jack, as was so often true, insisted on being his own category. He'd allowed himself to lose sight of that with Rose, because the Last Great Time War had scarred him deeper than anything before it ever had. His last self had been bitter and angry and closed off from the universe. He'd still run around doing his best to save it, but he hadn't really cared anymore. 

Then he'd blown up a shop girl's job and seen himself through her eyes when she categorically refused to let him just saunter off. He'd been intrigued, but only reluctantly. He'd been knowingly rude, and then he'd taken her directly to see the destruction of her own planet and thrown her into the deep end with a truly alien gathering of aliens. Not a bit of it phased her for more than a moment or two, and suddenly he felt like he was seeing the universe with whole new eyes again through Miss Rose Tyler. It had been fantastic.

When events put him into the position of seeing the universe through actual new eyes, he had been shaped by Rose. With his people utterly gone from the universe, he'd needed the connection she had been forming with him, and needed it badly. As a consequence, this version of himself felt things so freshly and keenly he almost forgot he wasn't human from moment to moment some days. He'd approached the universe with a certain sense of wonder from the day he ran away from Gallifrey, despite the gruff facade he'd worn back then trying to seem important. Once he'd actually been out in it, that had only grown. It had been so much easier to feel that and remain detached while the Time Lords still lived, though. He'd had a people and a sense of place in the universe, even if he wasn't always particularly fond of it. When the war had ended and they were all gone, leaving him so very much alone, he'd opted for complete detachment. When that turned out to be a miserable road that lead nowhere good, given the opportunity to change, he'd jumped back into life with no detachment at all.

Even as old and as clever as he was, while he was busy playing the human Rose saw him as, he'd forgotten that it couldn't last. Despite the fact that he'd said as much to Rose, not all that long ago. This version of himself just got too attached too easily. That had been fun, until now. He'd been so much closer to Rose, far less the slightly-paternal figure he'd more often found himself playing to companions in the past. He'd lost himself in the adventure of being half of a team and been clever enough to feign obliviousness when Rose tried to turn that into something even more human. He'd only been half-faking horror at that talk of carpets and mortgages on Krop Tor.

Now, when it all came crashing down, he allowed himself just a few moments to evaluate. He was sad, certainly, but this was not the first time a companion had left him and would by no means be the last. At least Rose was safe and with people who cared about her, even if he would never see her again – well, mostly. He did have a few thoughts about saying goodbye. Perhaps she had said forever, but humans didn't do forever. He always lived in the moment and he'd never wanted to argue, so he'd let her think what she liked. Whether it was a matter of change or of age, eventually she'd have died during one of their mad adventures, or wanted him to settle down in one place, or simply left him for someone who could.

That wasn't him. He'd left unwanted expectations behind on Gallifrey and had never looked back with nostalgia about being tied down. He was a wanderer, a traveler - no, an adventurer! He'd never be happily domesticated. The fact that it truly hurt every time one of his companions left him for a life like that didn't change anything. He'd go mad in a handful of days tied to one place and one time, even if the universe didn't end without him to fix it. He thrived on constant challenges that kept him from dwelling upon the many centuries' worth of unpleasant memories in his head. Without that - 

Still, right now, the pain of separation was a very heavy weight. The desperate desire for attachment had lead him to build his entire life around Rose. It was better to learn of and come to terms with the foibles of his individual regenerations early on. He just had to remember this lesson the next time some spunky young human caught his attention. He'd make it clear from the outset that any arrangements were temporary. Hopefully that would keep things clear for everyone.

**Author's Note:**

> I abstractly understand why some people like it, and heck RTD all but made it cannon, but codependent Doctor does nothing for me. Felt the need to try to paint him a little less human while exploring why he might have still ended up coming off otherwise in certain regards.


End file.
